|Book||The courage to be disliked|
|Author||Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga|
|Publication||Allen and Unwin|
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About the authors of The courage to be disliked
Ichiro Kishimi introduces us to Adlerian Psychology and the Japanese translator of several of Alfred Adler’s writings. He is a qualified counsellor and consultant for the Japanese organization that teaches Adlerian, and he provides counselling for children in psychiatric facilities.
Fumitake Koga is a professional writer and novelist who have won several awards. He is the author of several well-known business and non-fiction publications. In his late twenties, he discovered Adlerian psychology and was captivated by its counter-intuitive principles. Following that, Koga visited Ichiro Kishimi in Kyoto regularly, obtaining the essence of Adlerian psychology from him and jotting down the notes for the old “conversation format” style of Greek philosophy used in this book. All of their teachings are summarized in the book “The courage to be disliked”. You can easily download this book from our website.
Summary of The courage to be disliked
Accepting that your past determines your present results in indeterminism; your future has already been decided by your past. We don’t focus on past reasons in “Adlerian psychology,” but rather on contemporary objectives. No one can predict what will happen to your new self if you change your way of living.
You create your own emotions.
Would stabbing a waiter be OK if you couldn’t manage your emotions and rage? What happened was that you incited wrath and roared to force him to submit to you. A student who is afraid of blushing may have to live with the possibility that she would have revealed her feelings if she didn’t have this problem.
You use trauma as a justification.
We construct our own lives based on the weight we place on previous events. We are not affected by the shock of our encounters. Instead, we fashion whatever we need from them.
John’s goal is to avoid going out, therefore he’s creating a condition of worry and terror to achieve that goal. “If I stayed in my room all the time, my family would be worried about me,” he thinks to himself. “I’ll get their full attention.”
As an excuse, you exploit feelings of inadequacy.
Rather than objective realities, feelings of inadequacy are subjective impressions. You can think of being shorter than normal as a disadvantage, or as a plus for not being scary and allowing others to relax.
Subjectivity has one redeeming quality: it permits you to make your own choices. Consider everything as a benefit or a drawback. Facts cannot be changed, but interpretations may be changed as much as you like.
People are born into the cosmos as defenceless beings with a common desire to escape that dreadful life. This is referred to as the quest for dominance. Feelings of inadequacy, if not used destructively, may be a constructive motivator for progress.
However, some people lose faith in themselves and refuse to embrace the reality that the situation may be altered by making reasonable efforts; instead, they just give up and say, “I’m not good enough anyhow” or “even if I tried, I wouldn’t stand a chance.” An inferiority complex is a phrase for this. Using feelings of inadequacy as an excuse to avoid doing something. “I’m not highly educated, therefore I can’t prosper,” or “I’m not attractive, so I can’t engage in a relationship,” you could think.
Some people suffer from a superiority complex. They act arrogant and take pleasure in projecting a false sense of superiority. Make boasts about previous accomplishments and memories. When inferiority and superiority complexes coexist, it may lead to gloating about one’s problems. They distinguish themselves as “unique” by how they suffer. As long as people use tragedy to make themselves “special,” they will constantly seek suffering.
What is the best way to find real happiness?
Adlerian psychology is a psychology of self-development, not of influencing others. Rather than waiting for others to change, you take the initiative and make the first move.
There is no such thing as competition in life.
The attitude of taking a single step forward on your own feet is the objective of supremacy. Not a competitive mindset in which one tries to outperform others. A positive sense of inadequacy comes from comparing oneself to one’s ideal self, not from comparing oneself to others.
Many people are dissatisfied with their achievements in the eyes of society since they are living in a competitive environment. If you see interpersonal relationships as a competition, you will interpret other people’s joy as “my failure,” and you will be unable to enjoy it. Your perspective on the world will change once you comprehend that “people are my comrades.”
Refuse to give in to the want for attention.
Wishing so hard to be noticed might lead to a life of conforming to other people’s expectations that you should be “this kind of person.” You put your true self aside and live the lives of others. As a result, you should fight your need for recognition. You aren’t living to meet the expectations of others, and others aren’t living to meet your expectations.In relationships, the cost of freedom is the possibility of being hated by others. It’s proof that you’re free, and that you’re living by your own set of ideals.
You will never be able to live your own life until you are indifferent to other people’s opinions and have no fear of being disliked by others, and you accept the risk of never being acknowledged. You’ll never be free. There may be someone who does not think highly of you, but it is not your responsibility to change their minds.
All you can do in terms of your own life is to follow the best path you believe in. What are people’s opinions on that? That is the responsibility of others, and it is not an issue you can solve.
Ignore other people’s responsibilities.
We must examine our work from the perspective of “whose job is this?” and distinguish our work from that of others. Separation of responsibilities is the word for this. You should not be concerned about other people’s work or infringe on it. Learning at school, for example, is the responsibility of the kid, not the parent. The task owner will be the one to bear the brunt of the decision’s consequences. When parents say “it’s for your good,” they’re saying it to achieve their own goals, such as improving their social standing and controlling their children. Parents should be interested in understanding what their children are doing and letting them know that they are willing to help them with their studies. They should not, however, interfere with the child’s work. The first step in lightening the load and making life simpler is to discard other people’s tasks.
Your interpersonal interactions are in your hands.
Many people believe that the other person has the relationship cards. That’s why they ask, “How does that person feel about me?” And as a result, they wind up living in a way that reflects the aspirations of others. All the cards will stay in the hands of other people if you’re tied to a need for recognition. If you understand how occupations are divided, you’ll see that you have all the cards.
Don’t criticize or praise; instead, cultivate horizontal partnerships.
Praise unintentionally creates a hierarchical connection in which the other person is seen as beneath you. As though you’re transferring a choice from one competent individual to another with no such skill. Instead, express your gratitude with words. Thanking this individual for their assistance with your project. “This was quite beneficial.” If you want to be praised, you’ll have no choice but to conform to that person’s standards and put your personality on hold. “Thank you,” on the other hand, is an unambiguous expression of gratitude.